Not On Assignment

A journo's jottings under no deadline pressure (since Jan 1, 2010)

India’s Best Wife Beater announced

with one comment

“Silence, silence!” shouted the bald, portly man, trying to sound like the judge he had seen in so many B.R. Chopra movies.
”Friends,” his volume suddenly fell down many notches as he put on his best plastic smile. “We are here for a very special purpose and let’s pay attention to this most important task on hand.”
There was a soft murmur among the 40-odd middle-aged as well as not-yet-middle-aged men who had gathered in the suburban hall, sacrificing their Sunday siesta.
”As the chairman of the All India Wife Beaters Association it is my privilege and joy to call our secretary Santosh Nair on stage to announce India’s Best Wife Beater, our annual, much looked-forward-to award.”
A lean and lanky 30-year-old strode to the stage, stealing last minute glances at the piece of paper he was carrying in his hand.
”Thank you Bakshiji,” he began. “Unlike other years, this time our man was a clear winner from round one. He wins for his clarity of vision, flawless methods developed over years of practice and a repertoire of fibs to fob off the curious Indian media.
”For example, when his first wife, an air-hostess, had turned up battered and bruised in her maika, he had glibly said, ‘She has fallen down from my new 24-gear-bicycle and has hurt herself.’ ”
Wah wah, kya baat hain sahab!” Hemant Mishra applauded from the fourth row.
”Later, when he was in a relationship with this actress, known more for her item numbers in Hindi films than a degree in computer education,” Nair continued, “he had once banged her head against the door.”
“Serves her right! Why did she not join Infosys or Wipro and help bring in foreign exchange for the country?” asked a boyish-looking Nikhil Wakde, a swimming coach at a five-star hotel whom many mistook for a collegian.
“Wait, wait, the best is yet to come.” Nair referred to his notes again. “He was in the news recently for thrashing his new wife with a clothes hanger. A hanger, nothing less! Who could have imagined that the humble hanger could be put to such noble use?”
There were loud claps all around.
It was now Nair’s turn to shout “Silence, silence!” before concluding his speech, “And the winner of this year’s India’s Best Wife Beater is…”
The assembled wife beaters did not give him a chance to complete his sentence.
“Rahul Mahajan ki jai ho!” they shouted loudly in one voice.


Written by Raju Bist

August 4, 2010 at 8:25 pm

One Response

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  1. He has been successful in maintaining his record! The wife beater association was worried that they might loose an important third grade media personality, but he rose above all odds. He found another one to torture and this one is much younger and even so extra marks to him for that!!

    really well written… you must write more like this


    August 5, 2010 at 3:17 pm

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