Scene in a marriage – 3

How a wife addresses her husband over the years:
First five years of marriage: Suniyeji…
5-10 years: Suniye
10-15 years: Suno
After 15 years: Suon

Qayamat se qayamat tak…

Overheard on the way to office:
“This must be the shortest marriage in history.
“The two got married during the day. In the evening, during the reception, as the two were standing on stage, the girl ribbed him with a ‘Your father did not have even 300 bucks to pay for your shoes my cousin sisters had hidden in the afternoon!’ Enraged, the boy gave the girl one tight slap, right in front of all the guests!
“Seeing this, the girl’s brothers jumped on the stage and started beating up her husband.
“Then the boys relatives started beating up her brothers.
“Suddenly there was a free-for-all. In the midst of the melee, the boy’s father shouted, ‘We don’t want this girl. My son is divorcing her!’
“Then the girl’s father – not to be outdone – marched into a nearby police station and registered a dowry complaint against the boy’s family.
“The end result?
“The boy did not get to enjoy his suhaag raat. Instead, he, his father and two other male relatives cooled their heels in the police lock-up that night!”

Jai Maharashtra!

To the outsider, i.e., somebody from outside Maharashtra, the Marathi manoos is a colourless, boring, humourless guy, the equivalent of the stiff upper lip British.
But throw him among his own ilk and you can see his sense of humour suddenly blooming.
Sample this incident:
A motorcyclist rides into his housing complex and sees a bunch of neighbours standing next to the security cabin and talking amongst themselves.
He slows down, quips “Standing committee ka?” (What, standing committee?) and before any of the “members” can react, zooms off towards his parking lot!

Rishta hi rishta

MJ, a chemical trader in north Bombay, was delighted. An old friend in Allahabad had agreed to get his beautiful daughter married to MJ’s son SM, a tax consultant.
But then SM dropped a bombshell.
He was in love with a local girl. What’s more, they had secretly married the previous week.
End of story, right?
Wrong!
The head of the Allahabad family declared: “We will get our daughter married only into your household!”
So a quickfix solution was found: the girl would marry SM’s younger brother HM.
Never mind if dim-witted HM is still studying in the 12th standard (when he should have cleared his final year of college by now).
And never mind that the girl is only 16 years old!

Scene at the bus stop

He: How much time more for the bus?
She: Ten minutes.
He: Then let’s go have some garma garam chai (hot tea).
She: Where do you want to go?
He: Let’s go to Alok.
She: Isn’t that far away? I don’t want to carry these heavy packages.
He: Then where should we go?
She: How about Puja Snacks on Dadasaheb Phakle Road? My family always used to go there. They also serve excellent vada pav.
He: But isn’t it far away?
She: We can always catch an auto (autorickshaw).
He: Forget it… there’s our bus…

Dost ho to aisa

Every morning a quaint ritual is played out in my compartment. Two senior citizens board the train at the starting point and sit facing one another. Just before the train starts, one of them switches on his cellphone’s music player and hands it over to his friend.
The latter then closes his eyes and sings in his croaky voice the mournful songs being played at full volume:
“Teri duniya mein dil lagta nahin…”
“Dukhi man mere sun mera kehna…”
“Aaj purani raahon se koi mujhe aawaj na de…”
Then at the fourth station, he switches off the music and hands back the phone to his friend who gets off the train.

Gyan from the bootpolishwala

Sometimes you pick up gyan from the most unlikely sources.
Even as he was attending to my right shoe, my bootpolishwala greeted the customer being attended to by his neighbour, “Bahut dino ke baad, sahab?”
The customer mumbled something. I picked up the thread remarking, “Now that the rains are over, you will get more and more customers.”
But being the eternal journo, I didn’t leave it at that. As my shoes were being polished, I conducted a mini interview which went something like this:
“So, what do you do in the rains when there are very few customers? Do you come here every day?”
“We do but don’t keep regular timings. Tab hum apne marzi ke maalik ban jaate hain. We come to work only when we feel like it.”
“Don’t you start some other business to tide over the lean months?”
“No sahab, getting a municipal permit to start any new business is very difficult these days. Besides, uparwala do waqt ki roti to de hi deta hai.”
Then came the ultimate gyan:
”One should be contented with what one gets, sahab. What’s the use of chasing money? If you have noticed, in Bombay the people with most heart attacks are the rich. They make all that money and then worry themselves to death scared about it being stolen away!”

The lighter side of CID

The proof of CID’s popularity is in its longevity – it must be that rare Indian TV serial running for more that a decade.
With popularity comes familiarity and with familiarity comes that typically Indian habit – taking someone/something you love for granted.
Hence the numerous CID jokes doing the rounds.
Sample this one: If ACP Pradyuman is really good at his job then why has he not been promoted in the last 10 years?
And have you received any of these SMS jokes?

Us pari ko zameen pe kisne bulaya
Us pari ko zameen pe kisne bulaya (Wah wah)
Daya pata karo Dhoni ka Maxx mobile kisne churaya

Mere ghar ke peeche ek naala hain
Mere ghar ke peeche ek naala hain (Wah wah)
ACP bola: Dal mein zaroor kuch kaala hain

Niche hain dharti upar aakash hain
Zara gaur pharmayiye
Niche hain dharti upar aakash hain
Dicky kholke ACP bola: Yahan to ek laash hain

CID facts:
1) Daya holds the world record for breaking the largest number of doors.
2) The CID bureau has the same Qualis since the last 10 years.
3) Only six people work in the 20-storeyed CID bureau
4) A criminal accepts his crime only when Daya slaps him.

Now there’s a brilliant e-mail forward doing the rounds. Enjoy CID meets 3 Idiots…

Also read: Superhuman Pradyuman

Check out: CID Shayari group on Facebook

Eavesdropping – 2

Everyone is asking:
Now that Dharam paaji has forsaken the bottle, what will happen to Vijay Mallya?

P.S: I requested AR, the brilliant creator and editor of Newsmericks to come up with one on the above development.
She obliged with this creation.

Icecream-loving neighbour

Once every week, a neighbour of ours follows a unique routine. She catches the 5 pm bus from our complex and gets off at the last stop, about half an hour away. She then walks to her regular ice cream seller, relishes her favourite flavour and takes the next bus home.
A grown-up woman indulging the little girl within her? Perhaps. But she has more to say on the subject:
“Nobody in my family likes ice-cream so I come alone. And why not? All our lives we housewives look after each and every need of our family members. Sometimes, we should take time off for ourselves, isn’t it? Now and then, we should indulge in things that we like.”